The Ultimate
Friday, December 26, 2008 - John Greene
Ace. King. Queen. Jack. Ten. When they’re all in the same suit, it’s called a Royal Flush and you’re probably going to walk away with all of the chips in any given poker hand. When they’re supervillains in the DC Universe, though, you’ve got your hands full. Introduced waaaaaay back in 1966’s Justice League of America #43, the Royal Flush Gang has gone through a number of changes over the years (going from a small gang to a massive criminal organization with a different hand in each state,) but their poker motif and awesome costumes have remained pretty similar throughout.
My favorite version appeared in the Justice League animated series from a couple of years ago. The female Ace could create illusions and drive people insane just by looking at them while King could shoot fire. Queen could change metal into whatever form she imagined while Jack could make like Plastic Man and stretch and deform his body. Ten, though, was the ultimate villain for poker fans, as he was invulnerable and felt no pain while being super strong, something that would be very handy at the tables. A second version of this Royal Flush gang appeared in Justice League Unlimited, formed by a lonely, childlike Ace in a surprisingly poignant episode entitled “Epilogue.”
Trivia: There was also yet another take on the Royal Flush Gang in the Batman Beyond cartoon, but I never liked that show very much, so whatever.
Tags: comic book poker, royal flush gang
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Friday, December 19, 2008 - John Greene
In the jungles of South America, the Goliath Tarantula makes its home. As its name implies, this arachnid is huge – it can grow over 12″ wide and while you (quite logically) may recoil from it, it actually poses a less of a risk to us than the insidious Brown Recluse. Sure, the bite stings like crazy and the venom (when they bother to inject you with it) causes a bit of swelling, but it’s no worse than an average wasp sting. What you really need to worry about with these bad boys is the urticating hairs that cover their bodies. These little hairs are sort of like the ultimate splinter, really irritating and pretty problematic if they get into your eyes, nose, or mouth.
Unlike other spiders, the Goliath Tarantula and its pals don’t weave webs or leap great distances. Instead, like a wildcat, they’ll use stealth to sneak up on their prey and wait until just the right moment to plunge their fangs into their victim’s neck or haunches. Then they drag it back to their lair and take their time, using digestive juices to break down to their victims into manageable portions, leaving only the bones, fur, skin, and/or feathers in its wake. Goliath Tarantulas are also known as bird-eating spiders because they’re known to take chicks from their nest and devour them, hence the nickname “bird-eating spiders.”
The creepiest thing about these spiders are the sound they make by rubbing their legs together. It’s called stridulation, and it’s a loud hissing noise that can be heard up to 15 feet away. Since spiders generally don’t make noise, it’s a fantastic way to shock their victims into a standstill before attacking.
So, let’s see: they don’t show off, they attack their victims with stealth, take their time enjoying their winnings, and they have come up with a unique way of knocking their opponents to a standstill. I think it’s pretty clear that you shouldn’t play poker against a Goliath Tarantula.
Tags: poker spiders, spiders, tarantulas, The Ultimate
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Friday, December 12, 2008 - John Greene
In Star Trek’s first season, the Enterprise was mapping an uncharted reason of space when they encountered a mysterious object. This vessel or whatever it is sits in front of the ship, not broadcasting, not doing anything, instead staring down the ship. After 18 hours, Kirk decides he’s had enough of that and orders that the ship move around whatever it is.
That’s when things get interesting. In response to the ship’s movement, the strange object starts flooding the ship with radiation. Kirk and crew try to accelerate faster than the object, but it continues its relentless assault on them. This goes on until the object hails them. It’s a strange alien named Balok, captain of the USS Fesarius, the flagship of the First Federation. After some posturing, the Enterprise’s engine and weapon power is drained and they’re told they only have eight minutes left to live.
You’ve got a starship with over 420 people under your command that is about to be destroyed. You’re about to lose everything. What do you do? If you’re Captain James T Kirk, you bluff.
Kirk informs Balok that all Federation starships carry a substance called corbomite that will destroy any attacking ships upon their destruction. Ten minute pass and they’re informed that instead of destruction, they ship is going to be towed to a planet. Kirk says “Nope, not having it” and orders they should resist Balok’s tractor beam. The ship breaks away and there’s a happy ending with Kirk making happy with the alien vessel’s crew, but that’s not what’s important.
What is important is that Kirk is a master bluffer. He’s got over four hundred people looking up to him and he opts to stare the enemy down and call them because they’re not doing what they could do. If they were so powerful, why just send one vessel? If they were so serious, why not kill the crew and take the ship?
The next time you’re at a table with an enemy that’s acting strong, think about James T Kirk and ask yourself “Why aren’t they going all in? Are they slow playing? Or are they weak and wanting to look strong?”
Tags: bluff
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Friday, December 5, 2008 - John Greene
Surfing the net the other night, I came across an article about the ridiculous architecture in Dubai. Because of the (I guess we’ll call it) enormous wealth that started with the oil industry and moved into real estate, construction, trade, and financial services, the emirate’s business leaders are engaged in an design battle that seems designed to dwarf what’s happening in Europe, the US, or even Asia. With that much money, there’s going to be people spending it on massive phallic symbols. Americans buy Hummers; oil and trade barons build skyscrapers.
Most of the builders are happy with merely making buildings that are unusually designed or unique, like the Burj al-Arab Hotel (the world’s only 7-star hotel, where you’re charged for walking into the lobby) or Hydropolis, an underwater hotel that’s scheduled to be finished late next year. There’s also those firms that take on projects like the Palm Islands and World Island archipelagos where custom islands are built for residences and resorts. But there’s one developer that’s in it to win it.
Emaar Properties is spending over $800,000,000 (that’s 800 million dollars, if you lost track of the zeroes) to build the Burj Dubai – a skyscraper that isn’t even finished yet and is already the tallest structure in the world. The building will be so tall when it’s finished that the elevators will move at 40 miles per hour. Designed by Skidmore, Owings, & Merrill, the project started off as a near-clone of the Grollo Tower project for downtown Melbourne, but realizing they woud have much more capital coming in once it’s completed (office real estate in Dubai is over $4,000 a square foot,) they decided to go all-in and create a project that some would call obscene, but it’s made us all whistle a bit in the office as we throw around links. (And remind Canadians that their beloved CN Tower is now more like the CN Swingset.)
We salute you, Burj Dubai. You are the Ultimate Skyscraper. One day, maybe we’ll win enough at the tables to take a drive down Burj Dubai Avenue and gaze up at you.
(By that time, the Al Burj will likely be finished and you’ll be usurped. That thing’s going to be almost 4,000 feet tall. Damn!)
Tags: architecture, burj dubai, skyscrapers
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Friday, November 28, 2008 - John Greene
Everybody wants to be a shark at the poker tables. We all want to have that ability to just take out other players at just the right time, either by leaping out of the water and then diving onto your prey.
Or, by waiting just under the surface, knowing that if you’re patient, something will happen and then you can strike.
By the way, this is how I lost $1,500 in a single hand thanks to a guy whose name I don’t remember. He watched each player at the tabe, hand after hand after hand and played very slow. It must have gone on for about thirty or forty hands that way, just very methodical. Then, in the span of ten hands, he’d taken out six of us, leaving two others, who he then devastated over the course of another five.
There’s other kinds of sharks, of course. There’s whale sharks, who take the long route over a series of games, barely getting by and sucking in enough financial plankton to wheeze through things for a while, but they get left behind by the rest of the players. They’ll usually limp out of a tournament early, but occasionally, an unwary player or will get slapped by their tail and find themselves wondering what happened.
My favorite, though, is the tiger shark. Why? That sh*t’s just crazy, yo:
Tags: The Ultimate
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Friday, November 21, 2008 - John Greene
In the office the other day, somebody brought up the fact that the Japanese word for “Ultimate” is pronounced “sai-ko.” A lively debate ensued over who is the “Ultimate Psycho,” and here’s who we came up with.
Robin Williams in ONE HOUR PHOTO
Freddy Krueger
Robert DeNiro in CAPE FEAR.
Hannibal Lecter
Norman Bates from PSYCHO.
Mickey and Mallory From NATURAL BORN KILLERS.
Gary Freakin' Busey
Jason Vorhees
Heather Ledger as The Joker
This guy.
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